From the clutches of shame that held him in bondage to a porn addiction he had many years before and into his marriage. After many years of meetings and mentoring other men, he longed to enjoy his marital relationship, be free of shame, and experience the joy and freedom of forgiveness and working a healthy recovery program. “Too much pain, bitterness, and anger have existed for too long in our marriage,” he wrote in his disclosure.
“Our marriage and our lives have been on pause for way too long. You mentioned that we have been living individual lives on two different planes. We’ve lived from various perspectives that are currently not complementary nor bringing us closer together but conversely creating an ever-growing rift between us. The time has come when we must decide to move forward together as a united couple or move forward and go our separate ways. My decision to stay together for better or worse, richer or poor, in sickness and in health, has never wavered. I am, and always have been, committed to this marriage. Too much pain, bitterness, and anger have been present for way too long in our marriage. These all need to stop. We need to replace these with unconditional love, support, and acceptance. I have come to accept you over all these years, all the good and bad, in the past, present, and future. Please do the same for me.
You already know I’m not perfect, not even close. I’m a sinner, I’m impatient at times, I’m a people pleaser to a fault, I don’t clean enough, I waste food, water, and electricity, I have trouble letting go of material things, I can get angry. However, I have made much progress in this area, and yes, I struggle with lust. If I do not improve any more than I am right now in an area, and if this is the best me I will ever be, can you accept me as I am and move forward with me as a husband and wife? I’m not asking this as a way to allow me to engage in future negative behavior or give me a license for future hits of lust, as I will continue to participate in programs in fellowships that have a positive, Christian aspect of my character and actions. But I will never be perfect and battle certain sins, defects, and temptations for the rest of my life. But these do not define me. Nor will it stop me from trying to do my best every day. I am a better man and husband in so many ways than ten years ago. And I will continue to work in a positive direction.
Right now, I need to start living again, and you need to start again. When working together towards a common goal, we are so much stronger together than operating separately, and the results are always multiplied beyond our individual capabilities. We need the same collaborative spirit in every aspect of our marriage. Together, we can achieve our collective dreams, which include expanding our family and pets, making our house home, and continuing to help others as God presents opportunities. I want to be with you, and I hope you want to be with me, but we need to stop the fear, sin, anger, shame, and bitterness that continue to tear us apart. The first step is acceptance. This doesn’t mean forgetting the past but starting each new day, believing in each other, fighting for each other, and working together to make our dreams come true.”[1]
Joseph is a good man and wants his marriage to work. He does not want any part of shame that controls his ability to love his wife or himself. He admits he still struggles with “lust hits” and understands that his ongoing participation in program work is needed and beneficial to maintain his recovery and sobriety. He has worked hard at combating the negative thoughts, beliefs, and images he has of himself for bringing pornography into his life and relationship. He longs for the marital relationship to be healed, to belong and to be cherished by the woman he loves.
[1] Client letter, used with permission