One way to better understand ourselves and our shame is through parts work, a theory called Internal Family Systems, or IFS. Richard Schwartz is the founder of this unique modality. In IFS, Schwartz teaches that parts of us are there to protect us in some way—even the parts of ourselves that seem self-sabotaging. Your inner critic is a part of you trying to protect you in one way or another; it may sound like this: “Don’t even try; you know you’re going to fail.” The critic doesn’t want you to fail, so why even try. If we don’t take the time to listen to some of the voices in our head, we lose out on an opportunity for growth and freedom from hiding in shame.
According to Schwartz, our parts have three primary categories: Exiles, Managers, and Firefighters.
Exiles are the younger parts of self that hold emotions, vulnerabilities, needs, and memories that went ignored, unresolved, and went into “exile.”
Managers are the parts of ourselves that keep “going/doing.” They help put the exiles aside so that the functioning part of the self can go on with life. Managers can be healthy or unhealthy. The ability to suspend and put things on hold for the right time is a good self-managerial skill, but putting constant stressors on yourself to avoid your emotions or being a perfectionist is a manager part of not wanting to deal with reality. A manager may even show up as anger.
Firefighters are extreme versions of “managers”; they act more impulsively and are desperate to make any emotional pain go away. They might present with addictive behaviors, shutting down (dissociating and disconnecting from self and others) or self-destructive behaviors. The intent is to keep the younger wounded parts exiled. Firefighters are fearful of what will emerge if exiles return.
Your exiled and wounded little self needs the wise you to stay integrated. We do this by checking in with ourselves, making sure brain parts are working together, talking to each other, and keeping shame from hijacking your brain.
Think of it this way: it’s like you have a village of little exile parts, managers of all ages in different stages of your life, as well as firefighters that show up in addiction, shopping, eating, drugs/alcohol, perfectionism—you name it. They’re all a part of this little village that lives inside you. You can talk to them anytime. The shame part loves to be the first to remind you; “I can’t believe you did that again; you said you were going to stop; didn’t you say you would never do that again? You’re such a failure; you’ll never change.” But a healthy question to ask yourself is, “Whose voice is this? Could it be the voice of a caretaker in your life? How old is this part that is showing up?” Know that part and be familiar with it; you might call it the critic or the judge but know it well because it can destroy you if you allow it to have its way with you. Speak to it, and remind that part that it’s taking up too much space in your head, and that you have no tolerance for this abusive talk. You’re done with those shameful messages. Give your wise-self permission to take over.
Some parts, like the dissociative parts, believe they are protecting you. A painful memory is triggered, and the dissociative part is right there to keep you from feeling the shame and emotional pain of a particular memory. Jack, for example, was shamed as a child when he cried at the loss of his childhood pet. “Only sissies cry,” his dad told him, “Toughen up and be a man.” A few years later, when his grandpa died, he noticed his dad never shed a tear.
Joseph understood that he could no longer live in the shame of his past failures. He longed to break free from the clutches of shame that held him in bondage to a porn addiction he had many years before and into his marriage. After many years of meetings and mentoring other men, he longed to enjoy his marital relationship, be free of shame, and experience the joy and freedom of forgiveness and working a healthy recovery program. “Too much pain, bitterness, and anger have existed for too long in our marriage,” he wrote in his disclosure.
“Our marriage and our lives have been on pause for way too long. You mentioned that we have been living individual lives on two different planes. We’ve lived from various perspectives that are currently not complementary nor bringing us closer together but conversely creating an ever-growing rift between us. The time has come when we must decide to move forward together as a united couple or move forward and go our separate ways. My decision to stay together for better or worse, richer or poor, in sickness and in health, has never wavered. I am, and always have been, committed to this marriage. Too much pain, bitterness, and anger have been present for way too long in our marriage. These all need to stop. We need to replace these with unconditional love, support, and acceptance. I have come to accept you over all these years, all the good and bad, in the past, present, and future. Please do the same for me.
You already know I’m not perfect, not even close. I’m a sinner, I’m impatient at times, I’m a people pleaser to a fault, I don’t clean enough, I waste food, water, and electricity, I have trouble letting go of material things, I can get angry. However, I have made much progress in this area, and yes, I struggle with lust. If I do not improve any more than I am right now in an area, and if this is the best me I will ever be, can you accept me as I am and move forward with me as a husband and wife? I’m not asking this as a way to allow me to engage in future negative behavior or give me a license for future hits of lust, as I will continue to participate in programs in fellowships that have a positive, Christian aspect of my character and actions. But I will never be perfect and battle certain sins, defects, and temptations for the rest of my life. But these do not define me. Nor will it stop me from trying to do my best every day. I am a better man and husband in so many ways than ten years ago. And I will continue to work in a positive direction.
Right now, I need to start living again, and you need to start again. When working together towards a common goal, we are so much stronger together than operating separately, and the results are always multiplied beyond our individual capabilities. We need the same collaborative spirit in every aspect of our marriage. Together, we can achieve our collective dreams, which include expanding our family and pets, making our house home, and continuing to help others as God presents opportunities. I want to be with you, and I hope you want to be with me, but we need to stop the fear, sin, anger, shame, and bitterness that continue to tear us apart. The first step is acceptance. This doesn’t mean forgetting the past but starting each new day, believing in each other, fighting for each other, and working together to make our dreams come true.”[2] Joseph is a good man and wants his marriage to work. He does not want any part of shame that controls his ability to love his wife or himself. He admits he still struggles with “lust hits” and understands that his ongoing participation in program work is needed
Client letter, used with permissio
No bad parts: Healing trauma and restoring wholeness with the internal family systems model, 2021, Sounds True,
I am not quoting Schartz from any particular page, I interpret his modality.