Making Amends
Each of the twelve steps has a set of principles and values to work through. They are all for your benefit, and no one else wants this more than you. If you have not made it a practice to study and work on the twelve steps, I highly recommend it. It can take weeks and even years to get through all twelve. For our purpose of healing from sexual integrity issues, I’ll be addressing step eight because it’s crucial for understanding and repairing with your partner.
Step eight in the AA model tells us to make amends as part of the healing and recovery process. James wrote a list of his losses and regrets, which helped him to recognize the damage that had incurred from his infidelities. The list was not his to-do list, as in tasks to be checked off. James knew and understood it would take years to repair Eva’s broken and traumatized heart. He knew that over and over he would need to make amends and rebuild the trust he had forsaken in their marriage.
“What I have lost:
- Eva’s trust . . . Eva’s trust . . . Eva’s trust . . .
- The look of what Eva sees when she looks at me
- Eva’s joy
- Lost the special relationship between Eva and I
- The look of love in Eva’s eyes
- My self-respect
- Potentially lost health of myself and Eva’s due to HPV
- Being able to see and spend time with friends
- The ability to say that Eva was the only person I had been with
- Years of my life that I cannot take back
What I regret:
- Not coming home to Eva in the beginning
- Listening to the bad advice in my head from my “lust brain.”
- Spending the money that we could have used elsewhere
- The cold-hearted things I told Eva in the beginning
- Not telling Eva everything upfront rather than dragging it out for five weeks
- Causing Eva to have her mind flooded with images she should never have seen
- Having to pretend that everything is good when we’re around our children
- All the pain I’ve caused Eva
- Yelling at Eva, not really because of her but because of my guilt, shame, anger and frustration
- Spending too much time, energy, and money on prostitutes
What I have gained: a relationship with God, a surrendered heart that no longer needs to control everything, peace beyond understanding, Eva can now look at me and know that I am being truthful.
Commitment to Christ: While I always had an intellectual acceptance of Christ and Savior, I had never invited him into my heart. I now know I have, and he is what has given me peace and strength, and my anger has dissipated; I have a clear mind and am uncluttered by constant sexual thoughts and the ability to go through the day without multiple erections. I have an open heart . . . I had hardened my heart which combined with my twisted thought process to turn me into another person. While it will take time, with my Christ-filled open heart, I am confident that slowly, I will be able to rewire my brain back to the focused thought process that I once had before this all started. Hopefully, if it is, Christ will . . . Make a way for a new beginning with Eva. The ability to touch and hold her affectionately (in a non-sexual manner). Cuddling with Eva every morning and night, I put my wedding ring back on. I recognized that something was possibly broken from my childhood, which may have been the root of a lot of my pain. I have begun discussing this with a counselor. A prayer life. Every morning and every night, we vocalize our prayers. And hope . . . that in time, our love will allow us to be healed from the pain.”51
In his book, Worthy of Her Trust, Jason Martinkus provides a wonderful tool to guide you in writing an amends letter to your partner/wife, called the Amends Matrix.52 The Amends Matrix is a great tool for a thorough apology; nothing that is needed to be said is left undone. There is no room to mess up an amendment with Martinkus’s matrix. The matrix starts with listing past offenses that are showing up in the present with similar patterns of what took place in the past, and helping you understand the effect of your actions and feelings. The following questions are geared to investigating both your behaviors and your feelings about them, and include how you feel about your partner’s feelings. Finally, conclude the amendment with how you want the issue at hand to be handled in the future and how you would like your partner to experience the changes you will implement. It’s an excellent tool to have in your handbag. It’s helpful to clear up any misunderstandings, guide a thorough apology, and even deal with unresolved issues from the past.
Most times, saying “sorry” just isn’t enough. What exactly are you sorry for?
By using this model and following the seven steps to write out your sincere apology, you will have the time and clarity to know what you are sorry for. Remember, you may think you’re 100% right and she is 100% wrong. But coming from a place of true repentance, respecting her point of view, and protecting her heart from any future pain will ensure a better result.