Example of a thorough Amends

Martinkus’s Amends Matrix is a great model for putting your thoughts down, staying on track, and giving a thorough and clean apology. Writing it out helps slow down our brains and reactivity; we’re better able to focus and be clear-minded. It also allows you to write about the issue without interruption and fear of rejection or shutting down from emotions ramping out of control. In conflict, our knee-jerk 

reaction isn’t normally to respond with empathy and to speak clearly about the offense; we typically get defensive. You may shut down emotionally, and that can appear as you don’t care, or cause you to say things you regret. Let your partner know that you want to make a rightful apology/amends. Inform her about the Amends Matrix. Please give her a timeframe; the sooner you make amends in the aftermath of a rupture, the better it will turn out. Invite her to ask for a written amendment whenever she needs one. 

Here is an example of what Bob wrote to Emily in his disclosure and amends letter. He combined his amends at the end of his disclosure, using all seven steps to express what was on his heart. Bob connected the past and the present, why he responded the way he did, acknowledging what he’s done to change while offering empathy to her situation, stating what she must have felt, how he understands what it must be like for her, and casting a vision and expressing hope for the future.

“I honestly don’t know how possible or difficult that may be, but I sincerely hope that, with continued help from counseling, I can reverse the trends of the past and lead you to feel a depth of love and warmth for me as your husband that you have never thought in the first part of our marriage. I want you to feel loved and special as my wife. I want you to think that not only am I your husband and companion but that I am also your protector, lover, and best friend. I know that to do that, I must always work my recovery program and be actively involved with other men who are also in recovery. I want to make our home a safe place for you and all our family and to keep your heart safe from a repeat of the past. In the past, you have said that so many of my words have been only words without actions, so I expect you may be skeptical as I share these words with you. I understand why you react that way. All I can ask is to have the opportunity to live out what I am expressing as my desire, and I promise to be patient and not force anything upon you that you are not comfortable with as we move forward. To me, this is not a matter of setting a timeline. I want you to experience the kind of marriage you/we haven’t had in the past, one that brings a smile and tears to each of our faces, one that warms our hearts when we think of each other, one that is a model of Grace before our family. And possibly one that curls each of our toes when we can express of being fully naked, and fully unashamed neither of us knows how many years we will have together under God’s hand. My prayer is that these remaining years of our relationship will be a gift of joy, love, encouragement, and hope from me to you, and that you will finally be more fulfilled than you’ve ever been as a woman, as my wife, and mother and grandmother to our family. I do love you, my dear Emily. Thank you so much for graciously giving me a chance to prove it. It is a gift that I know I do not deserve, but I am so very grateful you have been willing to give me this chance. With all my love, Bob.” ⁵³

This letter is beautifully thought out and well stated. Bob and Emily are among the many successes in this journey of recovery and healing. It takes rigorous honesty and a commitment to becoming and waiting with expectations, as we’ll discuss in Chapter 7. Bob writes in another part of his disclosure of the hard work he’s done and says, “I do acknowledge and understand your skepticism and anxiety about ever trusting your heart to me again or being willing to be vulnerable with me. I do acknowledge that I must always work to prove myself trustworthy and to provide a place in our home and in my heart where you will feel loved, protected, and cherished as my wife. I am so sorry that I have brought this upon myself, upon you as my wife, and upon us in our marriage.”

Bob is hopeful. He has worked an extensive amends process, and he has hope for the future with his spouse. He expects to be truthful with himself and Emily in the process of renewing his heart and mind, as he “always works to prove himself trustworthy.” He wants Emily to feel “loved, protected, and cherished.” He could not have expressed his true self without surrendering and prayer to God, “My prayer is that these remaining years of our relationship will be a gift of joy, love, encouragement, and hope from me to you, and that you will finally be more fulfilled than you’ve ever been as a woman, as my wife, mother and grandmother of our children.”