“We are most vulnerable in our grief and sorrow, yet we will find the courage to discover the truth that sets us free.”
Our Reality Ego represents who we are, who we become in different circumstances, what we are, what we’ve made of ourselves, and our self-esteem. Through it we understand and experience ourselves and learn how we interact with others. This ego is part of our personality, and guides what we think of ourselves in any given situation and relationship. After betrayal, the reality ego is broken and fragmented with the collapse of how she thought she existed and knew herself to be. What she thought and believed about her world is no longer true. Her life is unrecognizable. In her new reality everything feels disorganized and disoriented.
Minwalla explains, “A traumatized, fragmented, and injured ego causes functional impairment, similar to a brain injury. The ability to utilize the ego towards initiating and effectively implementing health attempts becomes compromised and diminished. The ego seeks repair and integration by attempting to utilize itself to repair and adapt.”[1]
The following story is from a woman who believes all treating professionals should know about the functional impairment that is induced when a partner is in a trauma response and still struggling to fully embrace her new reality. Carol Roberts is the spouse of a sex addict who was secretly active in his addiction both in childhood and in the first thirty-three years of his marriage. Discovering his secret life was a complete shock for Carol, shattering her world, history, and security. She wrote this essay in response to a survey for the treatment needs of partners of sex-addicts seminar,
“My brain could not function, it could not absorb what was happening, it couldn’t filter what was relevant and what was not, I could not process the situation and what it meant to my past and future. Simple tasks were overwhelming while my brain raced to process all the changes it was being asked to accept.
I did nonsensical chores for someone in the midst of a crisis, like scrubbing the floor and cleaning out the attic. I needed to remember. Things I normally had no problem remembering were too much effort on my already strained brain.
But my brain was processing that my life was not what it had believed for 35 years and was questioning who I really am. It was struggling to process and function. I didn’t become unconscious, but I craved sleep as an escape. Having to get to work each day forced me out of bed.
My brain cells may not have physically changed but the way my brain functioned did. My personality changed. I went from fun-loving, organized, and productive to barely serving and in a state of either crying or trying not to cry. I became reclusive and avoided family and friends, not knowing what to do with such a huge secret. My body may not have been dying like a person in medical shock, but my being was. I was entering recovery from an emergency that changed my life and who I am. I needed calming and support.
I needed the care given to a patient who was suffering a significant trauma. I needed meals. I needed help remembering things. I needed security. I needed a way to escape the trauma long enough to get real sleep. I needed help identifying a person in my life I could share this with and depend on for help. I needed to talk and say things repeatedly until they began to feel real. I needed security and safety. I needed intensive care and was in shock.”
Carol’s story speaks to the experience of many women who have gone through the loss of ego identity and fragmentation, traumatized, injured, and dissolving self. Making sense of our world is crucial to our mental health and stability.
The induced trauma and impact on mind and body from a sexual addiction can have a devastating impact on your spouse’s physical body. It can affect both her relationship to her body (how she sees or takes care of her body) and cause new medical concerns. This dimension deals with how the body holds the trauma. She may develop an eating disorder, whether it’s anorexia, bulimia, or overeating; her
[1] Minwalla, https://minwallamodel.com/
Carol Roberts story, not published, but handed to therapist at a workshop on partners of sex addicts, She gave us a verbal permission to use it