Time and time again, we ask ourselves, “Where is God in my pain?” It makes sense that a sexual integrity issue would feel like a spiritual rupture. A spiritual relationship with our creator is sacred. It’s the most important relationship we can have. In our quiet moments, we may not feel God’s presence. The voices in our head begin to ask, “Where are you God? Why are you allowing this in my life?” There were times at the beginning of the discovery process that I had a hard time drawing near to God. I felt shame, wondering how this could have happened to me. Wasn’t I a good person, a good enough wife? “God, where are you? Why would you allow me to suffer like this?” I called on friends who had no idea what was happening between my husband and I, and I would ask them to pray for me. I knew they didn’t have to know what it was about; they would be my prayer warriors. I would ask that they specifically pray that I would continue to believe and feel His presence and that He would give me strength and courage for the day.
I asked and prayed: “This is too hard, God. Why, Lord, just why would he lie and keep secrets from me and think he could get away with this? How does he think I can stay in a relationship with him and ever trust him again? You knew all along, God—why did you allow this? Why didn’t you stop this? Why did this go on for so long? Why didn’t he get caught sooner? How did I not see this coming?” I am so thankful we have a patient God who knows our hearts and loves us no matter what. He knew the outcome. He knew one day I would be writing to you and be able to say, I am grateful that God has transformed both our hearts, and we have a God that heals our brokenness, and it all matters to Him.
However, in the process of becoming healed, I would question God’s existence in my life, and in some ways, this felt like a spiritual crisis. I knew in my heart that God would never leave me or forsake me. The transformation that took place in my heart was a life-changing journey. I learned how deeply God wanted me to heal and how I needed to allow Him in His timing to reveal what He wanted from me. I needed to get out of His way while he worked on my husband and not try to be the Holy Spirit. I learned that I needed to seek God’s ways and His purpose for my life at all times, no matter what lies ahead. He wanted my heart, soul, and mind to surrender and trust Him. John Ortberg, experienced the Dark Night of the Soul and when God was silent, he called Dallas Willard. Dallas responded, “This will test your joyful confidence in God. Isn’t that painfully beautiful?” [1]
Thankfully, my faith and ability to trust God is even greater now than before, and I have the strength to see the beauty in the “testing of our joyful confidence” that God has done in both of our lives. Only God could have been so tender with my heart to get me to a place of trust and submit to His will, while working on trusting my husband once again. I knew I didn’t want a divorce and break up our family, and I eventually started to see that my healing process had made me stronger emotionally and spiritually. I am grateful that my husband allowed God to cut away at the impurities that blocked his heavenly view of the God he now knows as his Lord and Savior. As for me, it developed a strong spiritual backbone in me that led me to believe that I could be used to help couples work their way through the trauma and recovery work that my husband and I have been through. I became a certified sex addiction specialist and worked on a program with Barbara Steffens, creating a trauma model for professionals who treat partners.
I hope you take the time to reflect on each dimension and consider its impact on your partner. Please understand this is not presented to shame you, but to give you a better understanding of what your partner is experiencing in the aftermath of sexual integrity issues. In her mind, she struggles in every way to move on, get her life back as she knew it, and not have to fight the images, thoughts, and feelings that haunt her.
Many of my partner clients have said, “I don’t tell him half of what I’m going through because he goes to shame, and then I feel like the perpetrator. I’m told I’m the victim when, in reality, I’m working so hard to experience victory. He does not know and understand the amount of triggers that appear everywhere and anywhere and at any time. It’s tiresome and exhausting. He tells me I should be over this by now, and then I go into shame because I’m struggling; I don’t want to be dealing with this; I want this to be over more than anyone.”
Keep in mind that she doesn’t want you to have cause for further shame; in fact, she desperately wants you to get better and experience a life without shame hovering over you. In the next chapter, we’ll talk more about why recovery and shame can go hand in hand and why it is crucial to separate the two
[1] John Ortberg, Soul Keeping, (Zondervan, 2014) 141-147