Your sexual addiction can also be a source of sexual trauma for your spouse. “The sexuality of a partner is often impacted by sex addiction, in a similar way to women who have been raped or sexually traumatized.”The sexual symptoms that partners often experience correlate with symptoms of rape trauma syndrome (RTS).“Fear or actual contraction of a sexually transmitted infection or disease is not uncommon for partners. Such infections sometimes lead to the loss of pregnancies or induced abortions and other serious gynecological trauma and physical consequences to a partner’s sexual body and reproductive system.‘
“Sexual intimacy is generally avoided at all costs, and as you have read, there are many reasons for this. Partners experience a range of experiences from sexual aversion, and even as far as avoiding any physical contact, fear of contracting a disease, shutting down, somatic genital and sexual symptoms, such as vaginismus, vulvic pain, and reproductive issues, to feeling dirty and contaminated.”(Minwalla)
Tamara wrote about the impact on her sexuality after finding out about Ian’s same-sex attraction. She felt as though she was not enough, that something was wrong with her, and the lack of intimacy made her think she had to prove herself as a sexual being, as well as living with the fear that Ian was not faithful to her.
A woman’s sexuality is part of her identity as a woman. I love how the Shulamite woman expresses her feelings and desires as a sensual being. She is filled with longing for her lover/husband in the book of Song of Solomon. Unfortunately, one of the consequeses of sexual addiction can and will impact your partner by way of doubting her sexuality and enjoying intimacy as God designed it for her.
“How has Ian’s addiction impacted my sexuality? I entered into marriage feeling comfortable about my sexual self. Soon after marriage, I was disappointed with our relationship. There seems to be something between us. Ian told me there was something wrong with me. The frequency I expected was not normal. Although I entertained the thought that maybe something was wrong with me, I never truly believed it. I felt something was wrong with him but I had no proof. In the last 30 years of our marriage our sexual intimacy was almost nonexistent. I learned to channel my needs in other ways, not sexually. It seems that after my hysterectomy, the desire disappeared, and the fact that he would only get aroused if he used pornography was a complete turn-off for me. I did not realize that he was fantasizing about his encounters with men to keep an erection. From his reaction to men in public, I knew that he had no desire for women, only men.
After discovery, I felt that it was essential to try to restore our sexual relationship. Ian agreed. We didn’t know that what we were doing was unhealthy for either of us. I felt I needed to do this to prove to myself that he desired me. He needed to do it to prove to me that he wanted me. It didn’t work. He was still unable to keep an erection. This made me feel very undesirable. I was eventually relieved when we were told about the 90 day abstinence. This was then followed by shoulder surgery. I was confused and did not understand how this was going to help our marriage. I did not understand at that point that he was not thinking of me but of his partners. His reason for not being able to climax with me was because of his extreme guilt from acting out with men and they had been his sole way of satisfying his sexual needs. All of this has made me think about how his addiction has impacted me sexually and emotionally. I am trying to separate my feelings. I feel that I need to have sex with him so that we can have a normal happy marriage again. I now know this is not true.”
For most of her married life, she experienced “sexual shut down,” and not knowing the secrets Ian held, she went into protective mode with fear and anxiety of contracting a sexually transmitted infection or disease.
Minwalla, https://minwallamodel.com/