“This journey is not for the man who is contemplating his next hit. It’s for the man who makes a choice to put away the old and embrace the new.”
“Sex Addiction-Induced Perpetration (SAIP) includes many forms of abuse enacted against partners in order to manage the addiction. SAIP can include marital rape, coerced sex, or other forms of sexual manipulation. It may include acting out with the partner’s friend or collusion with other people whom she honored and trusted who then denied, were silent about, or even supported the acting out.”[1]
Cristy learned about Paul’s addiction through several discoveries. At whatever cost, Paul did whatever he could to maintain and manage his addiction to porn and masturbation. He was caught time after time, but continued to manipulate Cristy to have his way and lie to try and hide his addiction until Cristy could no longer stay, “I cannot stay with you and be safe or stay and feel good about myself. I can’t stay here and take everything you say with a grain of salt. My boundary is now firm. I am not going to live like this anymore.”
At a gut level, women know there is something off. It may not be noticeable for a time, and unfortunately her intuition is a part of her that is compromised. She bears hope and fears for the worst, all in one breath. What she knew to be her reality is now the furthest from her present life.
Transformation requires a fundamental shift of an inward change at the very essence of your being. I love what Ezekiel 36:26 says ” I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you a heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.”
Cristy states:
“When I found out that you had chosen to deceive me, it changed me and my response to you. All of my beliefs about who you were as a person, the qualities that made you a good husband, and my ability to trust you as my partner were not only called into question each time you deceived me; it reinforced that I shouldn’t trust you and that you truly couldn’t care about me. It felt like you only cared about yourself and how you could get what you wanted.
It didn’t happen overnight. I really tried to hold on as long as I could but overtime and so much dishonesty in our relationship, the line of trust was broken. Every day and with everything you tell me, I wonder not so much, ‘Is it true?’ but ‘Is that all?’ or ‘Is there more that you aren’t telling me?’ You lied and hid things from me our entire marriage, so it’s very difficult to believe that all of a sudden it stopped. I have learned that you will do whatever you want and will say whatever it takes, but only for your benefit. These are very hard lessons to undo. Each time you took a step to maintain the ability to watch porn and masturbate, I took a step to protect myself from your addiction. We have been moving in opposite directions for thirteen years. I trusted you with my heart, I trusted you to provide a safe environment, and I trusted you to be truthful…you let me down.”
[1] Minwalla, “Thirteen Dimensions of Sex Addiction Induced Trauma”, https://minwallamodel.com/