Healthy and secure attachments to human beings are essential to psychological health. Relational trauma and attachment injuries, including attachment rupturing and traumatic relational dysregulation within the system of the coupleship or relationship is another critical injury of sexual addiction induced trauma.[1]
Riley writes with the hope of wanting restoration in the aftermath of discovery/disclosure and is still shaken through and through. Sexual addiction induces a traumatic rupture in a relational attachment. What Riley believed to be a healthy and secure relationship was now anxious and insecure in the shake-up of her confidence. She believed they had a strong faith and bond as a family, and a lasting, loving relationship that would endure all things. Over time, Riley found her way back to the confidence and security she had known about herself and was able to ask for what she needed from her partner Sam, and find her way back to herself. She wanted to feel safe and secure in her marriage, set boundaries and limits, and give herself time to understand the changes needed for Sam to work a healthy recovery program.
“I definitely have hope that trust can be restored, but my confidence is shaken, and we have had multiple relapses over this last decade. I know that my hope remains in Sam’s relationship with our Lord, genuinely pressing into him instead of just trying to do the ‘right things.’ His motivation mustn’t come from even wanting to save our marriage. It must come from his repeated surrender to Christ. At this point, I realize I must take better care of myself instead of catering to Sam’s needs or desires. I let some priorities slide because I was trying to be available to Sam or the kids, so Sam wouldn’t have to be. We need to make time to communicate better, and I laugh when I think about how long I tried to institute ‘Sunday night meetings’ and no one showed up. I felt like I was crazy to even suggest it. When Sam gets lax about recovery efforts or tired/overwhelmed by responsibilities, I need to hold him accountable instead of picking up the slack. I need help in learning how to do this. And I need him to nurture healthy friendships and as I see those relationships grow, I hope I will feel safe again.”[2]
[1] Minwalla, https://minwallamodel.com/
[2] Client letter, used with permission