Hyper-vigilance and re-experiencing

(FREEPIK)

“For her, the discovery and disclosure of your actions feels like an explosion with the debris blown in every direction, and she is left not knowing how to put herself and life back together

Reactivation and re-experiencing among partners can feel crippling due to the intensity, frequency, and pervasiveness of the unwelcomed triggers. Triggers can be so nuanced and different for every partner, including billboards, magazines, other women, cell phones, blond, brunette or redhead, someone’s name, texting, computers, certain cities, massages, intimacy, sexual positions, women of a particular race, and much more. It’s only natural that your spouse’s defense systems want to protect her. It’s painful to ruminate deeply about the things she now knows and wishes she didn’t. She’s likely to experience panic attacks, anxiety, dissociation, depression, and emotions that are not predictable. Anger can be a coping strategy and a form of dissociation to manage the trauma she is experiencing.

Alice had a calm, patient and gentle spirit, still, the pain of trauma and betrayal turned her world upside down. She told me: “I got so angry that I took our wedding picture and threw it out. Until this day, I am unable to put the picture back up again.” Her ability to function in the real world, as she knew it, is now impaired. Even something as seemingly mundane as checking out at the grocery store now has a different meaning. “I saw you looking at those girly magazines; you were flirting with that blond woman who was checking us out. The questions seem endless. Who are you texting? What are you doing calling someone at this hour?” She doesn’t want this intrusion to be a part of her life. Much of this type of behavior surprises her more than you.

Everything in her life now feels like a possible source of a threat and further pain and trauma. She may be looking through your phone and bank statements for any discrepancies. She may be looking through your car, trunk, media accounts. She’s seeking safety! Her reaction may seem like an overreaction to you, but hear this: it’s exhausting; she doesn’t want to live like this.

Triggers are to be expected, and the emotions from a stimulus can be overwhelming. You, too, will experience triggers, whether they are right or wrong. You will be triggered if your partner asks you to leave home for a night or catches you in a lie. Remember, she is trying so hard to hold onto her boundaries, which may or may not have been a common practice. She needs to heal and regain control in her life as she figures out her wants and needs. It may trigger in you rejection, unwantedness, not needed, and negative thoughts about yourself. These are essential feelings and issues to discuss and process in therapy, and at the right time, share with your partner what triggers set you off. In the early stages of healing, she is far from hearing about your needs and wants. Inattentiveness to her wounded heart, dismissiveness, and lack of attunement to what she is going through, will only delay the healing.

[1] Minwalla, “Thirteen Dimensions of Sex Addiction Induced Trauma”, https://minwallamodel.com/