The impact on a woman in the aftermath of discovery has many dimensions, “never did I imagine that this would be so big and so painful”. There is growth in the development of recovery and the healing process. Don’t loose hope!
“Developing endurance in suffering, without groaning or complaining, will help us find our new selves and redeem what was lost.”
Gender identity and gender esteem are a primary and core dynamic in the development of our sense of self, our core self-esteem, and our self-worth. Discovering a spouse’s betrayal and sexual addiction damages these core pieces of identity, including your partner’s identity as a wife, mother, female, and sexual being. It can destroy her sense of worthiness and her body image. But the impact of gender wounding on overall psychological health and functioning is often not recognized.
Lori wrote her impact letter to Jim one week after their formal disclosure. So many things were now starting to make sense to her after years of living like she did not matter and feeling like she only existed to serve Jim’s needs. As a woman, she felt diminished and used for the many sacrifices she had made to be the perfect wife that she believed she should be for Jim.
She wrote to Jim:
“My heart aches and is filled with great sadness for me and my self-esteem. The traumatic injuries that you incurred to me as a woman, your wife, and mother of your children, my sexuality, and spirituality have all been impacted by your irresponsible dominant self-seeking behavior, as I was made to feel less than when all I wanted was for you to be happy.
When I first discovered your infidelity, it was a relief to me. Why? Because I finally had proof that I wasn’t crazy. But never, never did I imagine that this would be so big and so painful. I wanted to be swallowed up by the earth; I wanted to disappear from the face of the planet. I felt deceived, betrayed, humiliated, and laughed at. I felt worthless, like a slave with no value, a piece of garbage.
Because that is the way you treated me. Not only did you control household things, and money, but my life, as though I was living under Fidel Castro’s regime. I now understand why he is your hero. I compare my life to one of those movies where the women are kidnapped or deceived and somehow bribed to live in a cult, where the abuser, manipulator, fills her up with false doctrines, deep down in her heart she knows something is off, and yet under those conditions she stays. She’s lost her sense of self and starts to believe she doesn’t know right from wrong anymore. It’s the abuser’s job to keep her in the dark. That’s how I now see my life with you, a horror movie, and to this day I still can’t believe this was my life.
Also, while I was pinching pennies to save money for our family, and be a good steward, you were scrounging money from our family monies to spend on your addiction. I never bought a thing for myself unless it was a great sale, and the children’s needs went before mine. Did you know that there were times we didn’t have food in the house? This was when you were unemployed, in school, and I was working making $15,000 a year. I never told you; I did not want you to worry. You robbed me of your time, time that should have been invested in me, and our family. You robbed me of your tenderness and love that belonged to us, but you preferred to give it to your prostitutes.
I made sure you had good clothing and not the ones on sale. You liked to look good and smell good. Not only were you selfish, while I took the seconds, but you were vain. If only I could have known I was dressing you and buying expensive colognes for other women to enjoy… I encouraged you to buy the car of your dreams. I truly believed that the purpose of my existence in your life was to use me, to obtain all the material things that you wanted. Let’s not forget my cooking, cleaning, laundry, taking care of the children, and working 12-hour days. You used me to be the trophy wife so you could continue hiding and protecting your addiction.
Lori is not alone; her story speaks to many women’s experiences. Gender wounding puts a woman at risk of falling short of who she is, being untrue to herself, and inevitably questioning her self-worth and intuition. Her belief system has been shredded and violated, and she concludes that she is not good enough. She believes she has been used, and her needs as a woman are not important; she exists to make him look good. Lori says, “I wish that you had a little compassion for me and took me seriously. My body is alive, but you have killed everything inside of me. I came to the conclusion that you found pleasure in humiliating me and seeing me suffer, without any remorse, as you did this time after time. I get horrified thinking that for over 30 years, I lived with a man that just wanted to use me for material benefits. My stomach turns as I think think of this whole situation.”
[1] Client letter, used with permission
GBT based on Omar Minwalla’s 13 Dimensions of Trauma.