This dimension covers the impact of trauma for partners at a relational level. It reaches all aspects of her community, including the inner, middle and outer circles of relationships. The inner circle includes the relationships closest to her heart, like family and close friends she’s in contact with on a regular and daily basis. These people have her heart and trust. Her middle circle of community includes on-going relationships with neighbors, church friends, extended family, and others with whom she interacts frequently. The outer circle may be acquaintances, social media friends, and people she has known over time, but not folks that she connects with either on an emotional level or even that often. Whichever circle they are in, she may be isolating and avoiding herself from them for various reasons.
“Partners may end up holding secrets from loved ones and family, experiencing a loss of relationship with family and friends. The trauma may also cause social constriction and avoidance, causing significant changes to how the partner relates to her social reality, community, public space, and human beings in general, including agoraphobic symptomology or loss of faith in humanity.
While trauma impacts a partner’s interior world, and primary adult attachment, it also has far-reaching implications for other relationships, including the parent-child bond, the social world, the experiences of being in public, the sense of communities that provide stabilization and dependency, and relationships to others in general, and all human beings. It is common for many of these often extremely painful dynamics to go unacknowledged and excluded from discussions on sex addiction.”[1]
Most couples with a family have many concerns and questions about how and what to tell their children, regardless of age. Some choose not to say anything to them about the sexual integrity issues. Often, it’s the partner of the acting-out person who prefers to keep silent. She may feel this way because of shame, or the desire to protect him from any awkward social encounters. She may not want her children to feel bad about themselves or their father because of the indiscretion, or she may fear what they might think of her for staying. Sometimes it is necessary to tell the truth or say something, particularly if jail time or treatment is a factor. What does she say to people in the circles of her life? It’s not easy, no matter the situation or outcome. Disclosing to family members and friends is a decision you make with your partner, deciding how much or little to tell.
If you decide to tell your story to family or friends, then you should be the one to disclose it, not her. One way to do this is to write a letter and state how you are responsible for the pain she is in. They will have an opportunity for questions at the end. Write in age-appropriate language. Set up a time and date with your loved ones and let them know you have a very important letter to read to them. Disclose to your children and whomever else she may want you to.
Mark read this letter to his adult children after we reviewed it several times:
“This letter is to help me stay focused, as I tell you the truth of the sinful acts I have done, and what has been happening over the last fourteen years, as before I married your mother, and more importantly the last seven to ten years.
First, in 2004, we told you that we were going to counseling at our local church. But the real reason is not that we were having small troubles, I had a major issue, and at that time I kept a big secret from your mother, she only knew a small part of what was happening. I was not truthful, and I surely was not living a Christian life completely. I was a shadow of the person you thought your father was. I had hidden secrets that no one knew, and I kept them to myself.
I was a complete fraud as a father, husband, and Christian man. I truly was trying to be the one in control and truly regret what I did in all my relationships, especially with Mom and each of you. Your mother has shown me unbelievable grace, forgiveness, and commitment to our marriage, though I failed her. I was unfaithful to your mother and she discovered that I was unfaithful in 2004. But she did not find out the complete story at that time. Not until spring-April-did I finally admit there was more, and in August, I told her my whole story, which you need to know as well. I hurt your mom beyond what anyone could bear, I cheated on her heart, soul, and mind.
Over the years your mom has asked if I was hiding anything else. She has kept everything she has gone through to herself, and I have caused her great suffering and emotional pain. It was not until this last April that I told her the complete truth about what was happening. I knew I did not want to go back to the lowest spot in my life. I had to be completely honest for the first time in my life. She was traumatized by the truth. This truth-telling has caused your mother trauma and has questioned everything over the last 32-plus years, I take full responsibility. I truly love your mother, and truly must make amends to her and to God. I have failed her and all of you by not being the man God intended for me to be. I am working on becoming that man and want to stay on the course God is showing me to take.
I am in recovery for sexual integrity issues, I have used pornography since I was about 10 years old, have gone to strip clubs, and committed adultery in our marriage. I am accountable to God for my actions, as well as all the people I have hurt, especially your mother and all of you.
To my daughters, I am truly sorry that I’ve been such a hypocrite. How could I protect my daughters, but then treat and look at other women as objects for my pleasure? These women were daughters, sisters, mothers, and friends, I was disrespecting them and should have treated them the same way I wanted my daughters to be treated.
I take full responsibility for my actions and accept the consequences that come with them. I am no longer living as I say, with different masks on for each person I need to be a man of God, husband, father, worker, friend, etc. I am seeing a counselor for my individual work and also doing couples’ work. I am in a men’s group which deals with sexual integrity issues, and am educating myself regarding my issues, and spending time daily in the word of God.
I truly love all of you and want nothing but the best for you. Dad”[2]
Over the years, Mark has had a radical change of heart; his family has noticed the process of his “Becoming.” They now have a real relationship, and as Mark stated, he’s taken off the mask he wore as a cover-up. They have mutual love and respect. Mark went on in his letter to address each of his children, ask forgiveness, and speak about the moments he was unavailable to each one. I especially liked what he wrote to his son: “Don’t fall into the trap that pornography is okay. It will ruin your soul and your ability to relate and truly feel what is inside of you. I truly have not been a true man for you. A lot of talk, but surely not enough actions to show you or talk to you about protecting yourself from getting caught up in the garbage I have. I truly pray that you do not live in your father’s sins.”[3]
Our actions significantly impact others, especially our families. They count on us and lean on us to be role models who take responsibility for teaching what is good, pure, and righteous.
I remember a young woman telling me a story about her dad’s indiscretions. She stated that as they were out on a walk together, she noticed her dad’s wandering eyes and how he did nothing to look away from checking out the attractive women. He was clueless as to how that impacted her as a daughter and woman. Her parents divorced because of her dad’s sexual integrity issues. She felt shame as if it were hers to hold. She stated, “I gained an understanding of what it might feel like to be a partner of someone with sexual integrity issues, something I wasn’t looking for.”[4] Her dad could not move away from the lust of the eyes, protect his daughter’s heart, and hold himself accountable for his actions, and she suffered because of it.
[3] Client letter, used with permission
[5] Minwalla, https://minwallamodel.com/