The fifth dimension of trauma, external crisis and destabilization, is about the impact of trauma on what was familiar and stabile in the dynamic of life. Unexpected change can bring about overwhelming chaos that creates difficulty transitioning back to normal life in the face of sex addiction. After the betrayal is disclosed, there are a host of logistical considerations that spouses have to work through. Are her finances safe? Does she need her own bank account? Will she have enough to take care of herself and her family? Where will she sleep tonight? Where will you sleep tonight? Can she take care of the kids? Does she have the stability, or is she too exhausted and sick? Does one of you need to move out? If so, where? How? When? These dynamics are a significant source of stress that alone often causes functional impairment.
If you can’t recognize the external and practical stressors that your partner may be encountering—it may look like a sudden shift in living arrangements, childcare, car-pooling, co-parenting routines, what do we tell others and who do we tell, do we get treatment, and at the same time being in a traumatized state—it will only exacerbate her trauma with Sexual Addiction Induced Trauma, (SAIT)
In my workbook, Spouses of Sex Addicts: Hope for the Journey, I include Sally’s story. It speaks to the sudden shifts in her lifestyle involving home, childcare, work, what to say to friends and family, and the disconnect between her and the outside world. Sally wrote:
“I began to disconnect from the world. I withdrew from my friends and family. I needed to figure out whom to trust or talk to. I longed to enjoy being with others. Looking back on this period, I don’t know how I made it through or how I continued to do the day-to- day tasks at home and work. There were times that I was so disconnected from the world that I would forget to eat, forget to feed my son. Only when he looked at me and said, ‘Mommy, I’m hungry; when are we going to eat?’ would I realize that it was well past dinner time. I would walk around the house, the grocery store, and work unable to focus on anything. My eyes were constantly scanning, moving around, and unsure of what I was even looking for. At times, I couldn’t remember what I had just done, or I would forget what I was doing in the middle of a simple task. I struggled with day-to-day life. I managed to do it but was disconnected from it all. Many times, I felt like the Walking Dead; there but not really there. Eventually, it got to the point that I would be playing with my son and find myself dissociating from the world. I would come back into the room to my son saying my name over and over again to get my attention.”[1]
Each of the thirteen dimensions has heart-wrenching consequences for your partner. Each story that is shared by the brave women who have been willing and courageous to allow others into her experience has similarities, and yet, is unique to her own life experience and betrayal.
No one intentionally plans to hurt their partners, and you could never have imagined the cost of what discovery would mean and look like for her. I am grateful for these women and their willingness to allow and help you have the insight and understanding in helping your partner heal through their stories. Whether or not you believe this of your partner, your actions make a huge difference in her healing process. Your actions speak louder than words, at least at the onset. Kind and respectful words are always important. Even when you are exhausted, like in the wee hours of the night, and she wants to talk and needs some clarity about something that may have come up that day. Reach down in your heart of hearts and, with kindness and gentleness, answer her lovingly and respectfully. When you are able to do this, know that you are doing good recovery work and helping her heal. In due time, you can ask for what you need. It’s not until one feels heard that one can open up to another’s needs.
Whatever you promise her, keep your word. Don’t fall back, don’t shrink away, don’t cower. You will only hurt yourself and her even more. If she can believe you and know that your word is your word, she will have fewer and fewer moments of panic in the midnight hours.
[1] Francoise Mastroianni and Richard Blankenship, Spouses of Sex Addicts: Hope for the Journey, (BookLogix 2013)