First, you may have gotten caught/exposed not of your own will, as in most cases. In those moments, our brains get all “mushy” and we’re in fight, flight, or freeze. In other words, the truth may not all be disclosed. In that painful moment for both of you, you certainly don’t want a repeat, and in any way hurt your partner any more than she is already hurting.
However, a formal therapeutic disclosure (FTD) is necessary for the couple ship to move forward. You disclose for many reasons, including health risk, which can be life or death. It is challenging for most to get over that a spouse may not have used protection at their expense, putting them at risk of a fatal disease, such as HIV, hepatitis C, which is transmitted sexually or via dirty needles, human papilloma virus HPV, as well as many other sexually transmitted diseases. This can be a deal breaker in a marriage.
Behaviors that are illegal or put the partner’s health or the finances of a household at risk make the timeliness of a disclosure even more important. Matters are complicated even further by the age of your children, the state of your finances and health, years invested in the marriage, and in some cases, children born out of your infidelities.
If you have not had a formal therapeutic disclosure and are holding secrets that have not been disclosed, I encourage you to seek help from a trained and certified sex addiction therapist who specializes in this matter. A therapist who is trained in sexual integrity issues knows and understands how to help you and your partner get through this difficult time. Do not postpone the inevitable; you deserve the freedom that a therapeutic disclosure has to offer for each of you and the couple ship.