Throughout my experiences as a Christian, I have sought to learn and seek Christ first, be attentive to what He is directing, guiding, and wanting me to learn through the twists and turns of life. I have become introspective, reflective, analytical, and discerning of what God would have for me in trials, triggers, sufferings, and tribulations. Some of my hardest struggles in life have turned into my most profound teaching moments, because they have taught me what it means to fully surrender my heart, life, and commitment to Him.
I have learned to turn toward Jesus’ heart and become more and more dependent and in love with Him. I know I can’t get through life without trials and tribulations, but knowing I have God to comfort and give me the courage and strength I need is where my hope comes from. When I kick and scream, wanting my way, I look and feel just as messy as anyone else who is full of themselves. Left to have it all on my terms has often shown to be destructive. I’ve learned to trust Him in these difficult moments, knowing He only wants what’s best for me.
Being a partner has taught me endurance and patience as I practiced leaning into the unknown and putting my trust in God. Not trusting in my Heavenly Father brought out the darkness that I didn’t like about myself, such as, “I don’t need anyone,” “I can do this on my own, I’m strong,” “You will never hurt me like this again,” “You will hurt too,” and “You won’t get away with this.” But I know without a doubt and choose to believe that He sees me and my heart. I know that only He can heal me, and He is the ultimate comforter.
Frederica Mathews-Green, quoted in Peter Scazzero’s book, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality: Day by Day, speaks to the transformation process in Christ: “God’s presence in us is like the fire in the burning bush. It gradually takes us over so that although we remain fully ourselves, we remain the way God originally intended us to be. He is light, and we are filled with His light, even literally, as some saints were said to glow visibly. The term for this transformation is fairly scandalizing: theosis, which means being transformed into God, divinized or deified. Of course, we do not become little mini-gods with our own universes. We never lose our identity, but we are filled with God like a sponge is filled with water.”[1]
[1] Scazzero, Peter, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality: Day by Day, A 40 – Day Journey with the Daily Office, updated edition, (Zondervan, 2017), 49.