Preparing for a disclosure is a long process. Typically, I plan 3 months out for the preparation needed to have the best outcome possible on disclosure day. It is difficult for the partner to think of waiting another three months or so for a disclosure. She’s dying inside, wanting to know the whole truth. Yet, most of the women I work with, once they have heard the information and protocol, are willing to wait. This is a pure act of love and kindness on her part. She is suspending her worst nightmares and allowing you the time and space to work on your disclosure and yourself, while she waits for you to present the truth and all the work you’ve put into this to be rigorously honest.
After going over the details of the FTD, formal therapeutic disclosure, you may be writing and rewriting drafts of your disclosure up to three to four times. You write until we are both in agreement on the truth being told, and how it’s written. It can be all overwhelming when you start the writing, but you don’t want her to think you just threw this together. I recommend at least three months of preparation, because it takes at least that amount of time to write your story. It’s like writing her a letter of your life story. Her heart is on the line, and you want her to know that you’re holding it through the whole process. You should carefully consider her heart and feelings as you write.
We set up dates within our three-month time frame for each draft. I read and review each of the contents in each draft and how it’s presented. You’ll address your partner by name in the disclosure/letter. For example. “Lynn, when you were out of town for your birthday last year, I spent the whole weekend looking at pornography. When we would talk and you would ask me if I missed you. I made up stories of how busy I was. I’m sorry I lied, Lynn. You did not deserve that.”
The first draft is generally the hardest. It might be necessary to mention body parts, and it’s very important to choose your words carefully. If she hears crass or slang terms, your partner will likely get stuck imagining you with a woman who looks as described. Use the proper word for body parts if you feel you must include them. For example, “She asked if I would follow her to her office and she’d show me her breast.” Some partners would rather know that information than not. As part of the process, I invite your partner to write a list of questions she wants you to answer. She may need to know what fetishes you had or have. She and I will discuss the lasting effects of knowing some of these details as we review her questions together.
Once I’ve gone through your first draft, we move on to the rewrite, the second draft. The men I have worked with on disclosures are patient and trusting of me. They know I want this to go as well as a disclosure of this nature can. By this time in the process, their hearts are in the right place to do the hard work. They are willing to do the work it takes to help her heal and want to stop the lies, cheating, etc. to rebuild a new trust with their partner.