In the midst of recovery and the healing process, if there is any dribbling or staggering of information, more secrets, it can throw your partner right back into her trauma. And this is why a complete therapeutic disclosure is needed. Otherwise, she starts to get back on her feet and, after a bit, the new information knocks her right back down again. Disclosing any new information is a good thing that may show up for you. In the aftermath of a formal therapeutic disclosure, it does take the wind out of her. Your intentions were good to disclose and not hold back. But in understanding the holding back any secrets, lies and information can retraumatize her. It may give you more of a heads-up to be rigorously honest from the get-go.
In the book, Facing Heartbreak, Stephanie Carnes PhD., Mari A Lee LMFT., and Anthony D Rodriguez LCSW, speak candidly about what it looks like and feels like when you attempt to do damage control by initially disclosing only some of these sexual acting out behaviors. Maria, a 57-year-old client of theirs, sums it up well. She made this tragic but truthful statement after discovering her husband of 27 years. “Having had multiple online sexual affairs that dated back decades, staggered disclosures destroyed my ability to trust my female intuition, my gut. My husband’s constant lies and half-truths about his affairs left me feeling like a worthless shell of a wife. I can’t even trust myself any longer.”
Your partner gets to choose what she wants for her future. And in those choices, she can choose to stay or leave. It’s a difficult decision, and it will take much reflection on her part to determine what she genuinely wants and can live with. She cannot predict the future. She is so tender and broken-hearted, and yet it can be that she observes what you are willing to do to help her heal that makes the difference. Be patient with her and yourself.
She so desperately wants the pain to go away, to make the nightmare go away. Some women don’t have a choice between staying or leaving. It could be a matter of children, finances, or mental and health issues. Whatever the situation is, she has to figure out for herself how to stay or how to leave.